No man is an island..

"No man is an island entire of itself.." So said the poet John Donne. I do not doubt the veracity of the statement not its authenticity that seems to have been verified as true through time. I can't help wondering though, what about those men or women who are islands by necessity - where raging waters just wash away the isthmi of natural bonds that have existed with other people? I can think back to a time when the human relationships that bound me to another were so strong that it echoed the poet's sentiment when he said "..every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;" However, the violent waves of life just seem intent on chipping away at all manner of relationships. It could be as innocent as losing a loved pet or as traumatic as losing trust or as devastating as losing a loved person. Truth is, mighty masses of rock do get eroded and what remain are seemingly stalwart stones jutting out defiantly in the midst of turbulent seas. Let me add this one thing before I beat the analogy to death and dance on its grave. It seems only logical that in order to stay standing, one had better learn to characterize flint.

With each tough circumstance in my life, I seemed to have fashioned a lesson for myself that was drawn on the lines of cause and effect to a certain extent. You love a dog a lot, it is going to die and break your heart. Try not to get a dog if you can help it! You see your parent's terrible marriage; never even entertain ideas of associating with a guy whom you do not entirely approve of.

I am not completely sure if the life I am leading now is a direct result of this thought process or if I just seem to be thrown into circumstances that ensure I stay an island, but I find myself rising each morning and wondering more and more why I am waking up at all. What is it I am going to be doing today that is going to be different from what I did yesterday or what I will do tomorrow? What impact does my life have on any other single living organism? Probably my brothers, my sister-in-law, my nieces and nephew, but reason defeats vanity and assures me that their lives will not be altered by my absence. As might be conjectured, I am yet to receive a convincing answer to that question. I ask myself this question and there is an echoing silence with a dark implication - You are waste of space and a drain on this earth's resources. I ask God the same question and there seems to be a whisper or the shadow of a whisper, which says, "I know what your life is about. Just have faith and keep going on. Somehow your story is part of my plan.." My prayers have changed in their tone over time. Instead of praying, ‘Lord, make this happen or make that not happen’, I have learned to say, 'Lord, give me strength to go through this.' 

Today is Mother's day. At first, being the cynic that I am, I dismissed it. I wasn't going to let another holiday invented by corporate America to dictate how I spend my day. I decided not to get worked up over it, not to think myself into a tragic state of mind and then eventually wallow in the mud pool of self-pity that seems to have no other end except to promote self-centeredness. I stuck to my resolve and behaved exceptionally well through the entire service. Though the prayers for mothers moved me a little bit, my diligent conditioning of mind allowed me to let it roll off my back. I don't know who to blame for what happened after the service, but this was what transpired. I ran into my mom's friend. What are the chances? In a mega church which specifically provides sanctuary for people like me from running into anyone that I might remotely know, I had to run into my mom's friend.. And it wasn't even her home church. Of course, the conversation veered to what was common ground between this quiet lady and myself - my mom. She was reminiscing and my resolve to stay stoic was under more duress than could be borne. I stood in the hallway vision blurring, speech becoming increasingly indistinct, shoulders shaking and then I found myself being hugged by this very nice lady as she tried to calm me. All I wanted to do was bury my head in her shoulders and bawl. I made a startling discovery because of this. Not only am I an island, I have taken pains to compartmentalize every emotion and every circumstance in my life. I am not only fighting against life but fighting against myself and working hard at suppressing what is meant to be genuinely experienced. Telling myself that scenes of all manner are abhorrent except on stage, I am denying my human nature that art itself aims to draw its likeliness from. I think it would be a gross understatement to say that I am messed up.

After I got home, I sat in my little porch in the company of my flowers and it seemed like a sweet epiphany blossomed alongside the daisies and the dianthuses. Here were these flowers, the daisies that seemed to hold the sunlight itself and the dianthuses like reckless beauties bursting in hues of pinks, reds and corals. I don't know the purpose of my life or what I will end up doing. I might train myself to be stoic and to face life like a warrior. I can keep focusing on what I do not have in life. I can do all these things and try to attain that state of equilibrium that I seem to strive for - the ultimate formula that would not fail me. I can do everything in my power, but I am sure that nothing I do will bring me the pleasure or peace that will equal the pure joy of the moment that was right then! This evening, I had the privilege of spending a few moments with God's creation. I let those moments utterly spoil me. Where I heard shadows of whispers to obscure questions, now all I heard was, "I love you a lot!".. Somehow, my state of island thinking just faded away and I realized that I am still a part of a main land. My main land does not constitute a family that is whole, a truckload of friends or multiple other things that seem to define us or give us a sense of belonging.. I realized that I am a part of the main land called God and this is reason enough to wake up tomorrow..